Experts sometimes call this giving “labeled praise.” The key, explains Lindsay Gerber, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, is being as descriptive and specific as possible in your praise so that children know exactly what behavior they should replicate. It may look different for a three-year-old than it does for a teen, but the basic idea is the same. So what does this look like in practice? Positive attention can take many forms, including verbal praise, hugs, kisses, high fives or rewards. If their behavior doesn’t change over time, a mental health provider can help. This strategy may not work right away, but with some practice, the child will learn that acting out doesn’t get them attention. The trick is to avoid giving them attention in the moment. Later, you can talk about what went wrong and make a plan for handling situations that are difficult for them. This lets them know that they don’t get attention for acting out. As soon as they start to calm down, give them attention. When kids do something you don’t want, ignore their behavior unless it’s unsafe for themselves or others. For example, you could say, “I love how you are sharing your crayons with your sister.” When kids know you appreciate what they’re doing, they will feel good and be more likely to do it again. There are lots of ways to give your child positive attention: praise, hugs, high fives, rewards. The most important thing is to be specific when you praise them. Instead of saying “great job,” explain what they are doing well. Instead, it’s usually more helpful to ignore behavior you don’t want and give lots of positive attention when your child does the right thing. This is because your attention is so powerful that they will do whatever behavior you pay more attention to, even if you’re telling them to stop. When your kid misbehaves, it’s easy to point out what they’re doing wrong. But research shows that approach can backfire.
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